here

It would take a
time machine
to fulfill all of my
fantasies,
because a hidden dream
can be embarrassing,
and the only thing
that’s sacred ’til
the end.” -Conor Oberst
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The day is windy and wild, dark clouds cause even the brightest hours of the afternoon to feel like the dreamy, fleeting moments of twilight. That’s what I love about stormy weather – it makes the softened, melancholy light from the very last moments of the day last for hours.

I am home. My happiest place. I spend my days here, working, writing, cleaning, dreaming. The way I’ve always dreamed of from where I used to sit in a cubicle. Stuffy offices, one after the other until, finally, I had had enough. Until I found the courage to admit to my dreams, to point them out, utter them aloud.

I think we are often afraid to become acquainted with our dreams – or, what I consider our destinies. It seems that we are hesitant to admit to them, stand by them because who do we think we are? To hope for more. Because once we do that, we realize just how far below our potential we are allowing ourselves to live.

More still, we realize that we are the only person capable of changing that.

“All these grand old rooms, and we live our lives within three feet of the fire.” – W. Nicholson

Candles are lit around my house. I fold laundry on our bed. Drew will be home soon. We’ll practice for a show we’re playing this weekend. Then I’m off to Bikram Yoga, where I stretch myself, allow myself to take up space, give myself permission to exist, to sweat, believe in my abilities to do what I couldn’t before. I imagine that I’m sweating off all of the make up, the products, the perfumes, through my clothes, through anything unessential. I sweat it off of me, out of me. I imagine becoming my essential self.

I had the TV on, but something about this moment on this day feels pure. Sanctified. Holy. It feels almost as if some divine presence from some other realm, plane, dimension is reaching out to me. She embraces me, tenderly stroking my cheek as she says, “That’s it. Keep moving, child. You are onto something now.”

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