“it’s 3am again, like it always seems to be.”

It’s difficult to explain. The magic of life is always there. I know it. It’s just only sometimes am I the version of myself who can see it, feel it in its constant and ever-present manner. At those moments, it feels as if time is fluid. It seems that reality folds back into itself. Everything turns clear and pure as in sunlight. I radiate, reaching outward, and I can almost touch it. I’m eavesdropping on my dreams, on these parts of myself that only barely dare to breathe. But then, all too abruptly, a current rolls in and I’m banished back to me.

What it comes down to is all my life I feel I have made attempts, but have never achieved.

I cannot find the way around this, the one obstacle I keep circling back to, the Hellion I have wrestled with — and feel bound to continue to struggle with — all of my life.

I pretend to be a musician. I endeavor to write. I work at taking photos. And I’m left, over and over again, feeling foolish for ever thinking I could be what I imagined so clearly in my mind. I have such shame and embarrassment for ever even dreaming. Oh, and do I ever dream.

To attempt, it seems, is to bob in and out of consciousness of my own inadequacy. But not to attempt, to give up entirely — that is drowning.

It’s 3:11am. Since losing my full-time employment, I’ve tried not to slip into my old habits of nighowlry. But I wonder, sometimes, if something has been a habit all your life, does that mean it might simply be your nature? It seems this is mine. Tossing and turning into the early morning with notions of what might be, waking up late, paralyzed with the reality of what is, and, not to be forgotten, the seemingly unreconcilable chasm between the two.

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4 thoughts on ““it’s 3am again, like it always seems to be.”

  1. your posts always resonate with me. You have such a way with words and your pictures are stunning! And to know that I am not the only one struggling with the balance o life..is a good feeling. Though I would never claim to have ever truly been depressed, thank God, but nonetheless the moments of despair are there at times. So thank you for expressing what I only think 🙂
    – a silent follower

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  2. I 800% understand what you are feeling. and i wish no one had to feel it, because isn’t it so counterproductive to be achingly aware of everything you’re not doing and being and succeeding at? instead of just doing it?
    there are people who seem to be able to create without the constant backslide, but i don’t know what that’s like. and the thing is, you or i will probably never feel happy with our art/existence all of the time. we want so much more than we can really make happen (but isn’t that out-of-reason ambition what makes us do anything good?). but man, you just gotta keep doing it. because the things you do are incredible. actually really you are as wonderful as you dream you might someday be in the middle of the night when you’re seeing every possible future your talent could create. I’m sorry that’s not always easy to remember. i know. oh man how i know.
    if you never created anything else, the music and writing and photography and humaning you have contributed to the world is already huge, and meaningful, and the world is better for it. but you’re going to do even more. and it’s going to be so so sogreat. believe it.
    alsoifinallymailedyourletteraweeklatetoday!

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  3. i feel as though we are quite possibly long lost twins. because you always seem to be writing and shooting and saying what is exactly on my mind and what i need to fill my senses.

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