i am Not

You will plant a garden. You will weed your yard and mow your lawn and let the smell of the soil and gasoline and fresh-cut grass invigorate you. You will continue to put yourself into uncomfortable situations, so that you’ll grow. You will write every morning. You will keep cooking dinners that intimidate you, sit down at the table, take a bite, and feel like some sort of super hero – even if those sort of movies are too much for your tastes.

You will not allow yourself to get discouraged for extended periods of time. Feel it, if you must, let it work through you for a few hours or a day. But then, time to press on, keep moving on. The choice is simple: keep moving or die. Keep moving even during those periods of time where your existence feels pointless and all you can find within you is despair.

Even when the Universe seems to be plotting against you each time you try to stretch your limbs. Even after that week when the blossoms were perfect for a photo shoot and none of the people you asked to be models had time. Even after you found the Instagram account of that chick you’ve never liked whose only been shooting six months and is already better than you and you broke down into a pathetic mess.

You will no longer give in to the instinct inside of you urging you to turn around and get back to familiar ground. Familiarity has given you all that it’s going to at this point. It’s time to take some turns you haven’t before, even if you’re scared. Especially if you’re scared.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.

Courage, courage, courage. 

This is the answer. This is your answer, from now on, to any of your questions or hesitations.

Continue to explore the foothills in the corner of the valley. See how many of them you can summit before they’re torn up and developed into the sort of neighborhood you must be in a substantial amount of debt to live in.

Wake up earlier. Fall in love with the morning. Use your watercolors, play your guitar, learn more drum fills. You won’t want to until you already are. Take advantage of that golden hour, no matter what you’re doing. Take walks. Hold your sandals in your shoes and feel the friendly warmth of the sidewalk.

Buy less. You don’t need any more clothes, except maybe one pair of huaraches. But that’s it.

Worry less about solving the riddle of God, and more about what stands before you. Do daily those things that silence the voice in your head repeating incessantly, “I’m not what I want to be. I’m not what I want to be.

Courage, courage, courage.

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2 thoughts on “i am Not

  1. I almost cried while reading this. This is so much where I am right now. Thank you thank you for writing it down like this and for reminding me that I need courage to go forward.

    Sometimes I feel like you are me, only with much cooler hair and way better writing skills ^^

    Like

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