9/5/15

Drew is out of town. And by me saying that you know I didn’t really sleep last night because the cat was on the fritz and there was a psychopathic murderer hiding under my bed.

(There was no one there. Unless you count my cello case, cat hair, and dust bunnies.)

I had a color appointment for my hair a few weeks ago. I planned on going with a standard all-over red, and somehow ended up leaving with half of my hair blonde – again. It was quite peculiar. But I’m feeling very much back to my old self. Whatever that means, seeing as I’ve been exactly the same person my entire life. Except, at the same time, I really haven’t. When I look back on myself even five years ago it appears that she and I are entirely a different creature by now. Ever get that?

She just vanished into a thick mist of change. *


I’ve felt for some time now that there is some secret to the morning. Some key that would unlock the further energy and inspiration I’ve been craving day to day. I made efforts to wake up earlier. I set several alarms and only shut them off. Drew volunteered to assist, but I would only snap at him and (who could blame him?) he gave up. This went on for months. Each night, I would plot and pray with determination that I would wake up just a little earlier. I’d only sleep later still, waking up in a panic and rushing to work in a humor most ill.

I couldn’t do it. I felt incapable and hopeless. What grown adult could wake up twenty minutes earlier? Me, apparently. I felt pathetic which made me angry which set the cycle off again. And so, I did the only sensible thing. I texted mom.

She’s called me every morning over the past week, and I’ve gotten up early. I write morning pages, I read scriptures, I repeat affirmations to myself and then I set about with getting ready for the day. A day which I have a much better outlook on because I took just a few minutes to myself. It’s like black magic, the difference it’s made in such a short amount of time. I’m excited to see what changes come from it.

It’s kind of ironic, that in order to be a more functional adult I had to rely more heavily on a parent. But, at the same time, it makes sense. The more we grow, the more we realize how much we truly need those around us. I know I do.

The more a man learns, the more he realizes how little he knows. *

Friday morning, I thought I might reward myself by sleeping in again. But then, out of nowhere, Tame Impala was playing in my head, like a new anthem to my existence.

And I know that I gotta be above it now
And I gotta bide my time as a face in the crowd
And I cannot let them all just bring me down
This time I’m just gonna take or I’m never gonna shake it,
I’ll just close my eyes and make so that all these little things don’t affect me now


*Hot Knives/Bright Eyes

*?

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