seriously, don’t read this.

I like the kind of movies where nothing really happens.  I don’t mean that literally, obviously some things happen.  King of California, for example: 16-year-old girl lives in a gorgeous old house that used to be surrounded by orchards, which is now surrounded by a brand new cookie-cutter suburbia, all on her own for several years because her mom left and her dad whose name is Charlie is insane and in a mental hospital.  Insane dad named Charlie comes home from mental hospital no less mental but now vastly obsessed with treasure, which he then drags her along to find buried under a Costco.  Also there are funny parts.

So, yes, things happen.  But compared to all of the superhero movies where entire planets are avenged and billions of dollars of CGI-damage is caused in landmark locations, my movies can seem pretty uneventful.  You usually have to turn up the volume at times in order to hear the dialogue.  Lean in a bit.  Focus.  Consider.  Walk away with ideas to discuss in the car.  (“But guys, is Charlie crazy?  Or are we crazy??”)

My movies take their time.  My movies are simple and they are quiet and they are beautiful in a way that sneaks up on me and causes the breath to catch in my throat.

My taste in movies seems to match my taste in life.  I’ve never been all that ambitious.  I don’t like loud places or competitions or leadership positions.  I’ve never been involved in a car chase or witnessed a large explosion.  Many of my old friends have stopped talking to me because they prefer their lives to resemble The Bachelor with all of the scandal and scheming and confrontation, and I’m just standing there saying, “This makes me tired, how about a burrito?”

As some might say, a real party-pooper.

I’ve been taking pictures recently, because I enjoy it.  Like any medium, the better you get at it, the more effectively you are able to use that medium to express your perspective.  And, I’m not positive, but I have this looming suspicion which seems to suggest that this whole expressing perspective thing is the key to the universe.  It is fundamental to a wholehearted existence.  But more on that at another time, maybe.

Taking pictures, as I said, has been great fun.  People have even been asking me to take pictures for them, and I’m going, What?  And looking for the person standing behind me who they must actually be asking because who would want me to do this for them?  Probably just people who know I’m dirt cheap, but, as stated previously, it’s been great fun.

But also it’s terrifying and bringing on a sensation of suffocation.  Because, you see, the pressure.  I can’t handle it.  I don’t enjoy it.  The minute you develop a shadow of a skill, people will ask you, What are you going to do with it?  Where do you think this will take you?  How much are you charging?  How are you going to use this skill (for monetary gain)?  

And it’s when these questions come up where I feel the urge to pull the covers up over my face and breathe in the cool darkness of my bedroom until it’s been silent long enough for me to feel it’s safe to come out again.

People like to ask you, ‘What’s new?”  And what do you usually say?  Well, I’m not sure.  But what I usually say is, “Nothing.”  And I’m smiling.  Because isn’t that great?   I have nothing to report and no matters of which I feel the need to complain.  When people ask you, “What’s new?” they want to hear about that Master’s Degree which you’re currently going into further debt for.  They want to hear about your new job or when you’re planning to make more humans.  They want to hear that you’re working your way through the same chaparral they did.

They don’t want to hear, “Yeah, I’ve been really into peanut butter lately.”

But that’s my life.

Peanut butter phases.  Laughing with Drew while we make weird accents at each other from our pillows.  Sore legs from a 30 day booty burn challenge on YouTube.

You see, because things are happening.  Obviously.  Things happen.  Just not the car-chase-big-explosion-oh-look-at-my-major-accomplishment things.  Not that those are bad, but those aren’t my life.  My life is such that, if you really care to understand it, you may need to lean in a bit.  Focus.  Consider.  And find that it tends to take its time.  It is simple and it is quiet and it is beautiful, maybe not by your definition, but certainly by mine.


27 thoughts on “seriously, don’t read this.

  1. You.

    I feel dumb for not having anything to really say. I just really liked and appreciate this post. Because, I always say nothing too. Because who wants to hear about how I discovered Doritos are amazing or what silly thing my kids did? Because I also feel like most people who ask that don't care to actually know what's new unless it's exciting. You just nail it every time you write.


  2. I don't really know what to say about this. It's beautiful, because it's you.
    But I want the explosions and the fireworks and everything inbetween.
    And that's okay too. But if you have a gift, for words, for pictures, for music, why not explore it? why not push a little more, put some pressure on yourself that (maybe) will make you thrive?Take a chance, I say. xxx

    dreaming is believing


  3. I love this so much, I love this I love this I love this, you could not have written a more comforting post for people just like you. 🙂 Small happenings are grand happenings, too, if you've got the kind of brain that processes them over and over and over again until you've turned them into a hundred metaphors and found so many hidden secrets inside them. Being soft and simple is a lovely thing to be.


  4. Yes. I would definitely say that I could and should push myself, challenge myself more. As should we all, because how else would we get anywhere worth going or learn anything worth learning. All I'm really trying to say is we should pursue what we want and challenge ourselves based on our own instinct, not based on the obligation people or media or other influences lay on us. I do love fireworks, they just aren't really my style. But I love that there are people like you who create them. Thanks for your input, Niki!


  5. Dannngg. hello. reasons why i don't have friends. reasons why i hate graduating from high school or playing music. holy holy holy mackerel. its sooo very very scary really. terrifying, almost, how startlingly true your posts are for my life right now like what even.


  6. Let's talk about how that last paragraph is exactly how I feel about in laws that don't get me or think they know nothing about me….
    And obviously the whole post is amazing. All of your posts. And the pictures you take. And everything you do. I like all of it. Okay? Okay.


  7. Saaaame. Some big days are nice but overall, let's all stay inside and listen to records and eat pizza and burritos, yeah?

    I've always preferred those quiet movies as well. I respect the other ones- there's meaning there if you look, I suppose- but the quiet ones mean so much more.


  8. ''My taste in movies seems to match my taste in life. I've never been all that ambitious. I don't like loud places or competitions or leadership positions. I've never been involved in a car chase or witnessed a large explosion. ''

    You couldn't have said it better. Not everyone can deal with the monotony of a routine or of life itself; little can they see beauty and pleasure in it. Most people I know will think the films I like are slow or dull and boring and I do understand their lack of sensitivity or simply their wish to escape all that by watching action films or anything of the sort. (i like to think they are the 'adrenaline -people')

    Have you seen Wendy and Lucy? x


  9. I just finished my Bachelor's degree and am pretty proud of myself, but I kinda haven't been wanting to tell a lot of people because it makes me uncomfortable, as if I think I'm so important that people should praise me for all the long hours I've put in. I'd rather be recognized for more important things I guess and mostly I did this school thing to prove to myself I could do it in an unconventional way and not be sucked in to the vortex of the typical 20-somethings' life.

    However, I really, really identify with your comment about burritos! Is there anything better than a burrito the size of your head?

    Lastly, it sounds like you have a really nice life. I don't know if you think of it that way, but it sounds spectacular and I think a lot of people would probably find themselves pretty darn happy to have found what you have.


  10. You SHOULD be proud of yourself. That is a huge accomplishment! I in no way mean to downplay other's success. I just mean to say we should have our own personal definitions of success. But that's amazing, and congratulations! Brag away haha.


  11. I haven't! But I'll definitely look it up! I understand it, too, everyone has different taste. And that's totally fine. Haha adrenaline people need to have fun, too.


  12. There is meaning, I would agree, in the bigger and louder. I wouldn't say that there isn't. But I think too many people assume that something isn't worth their time or regard simply because it's quiet or a little harder to understand. Anyway, yes, pizza. Burritos. Please.


  13. Oh no, I didn't take offense at it at all. I guess my point was success is pretty relative — I thought getting my Bachelors degree was an indication of success — and it is to a lot of people, and I guess it is to me too in some ways — but I still have a lot of other things I want to do and that I would probably be more proud of than I am of earning my degree!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s