As Anthony Bourdain would say, there’s a metaphor in here somewhere. It’s fluttering around my head, teasing me. But it’s late, I just faced a long-avoided fear of mine, and I’m shooting a wedding tomorrow. I’m much too tired to reach.
What I need to say is, I feel like I’m finally, at long last, beginning to find my voice. After years of working through co-dependent tendencies of living for and through other people, breaking down walls of fear and slowly starting to shovel the heaps of low self-worth out of me, it feels like it’s finally happening.
I think, on most days at least, I’ve managed to be what I am, and love that thing. It sort of feels like I’m asking for trouble, but I just want to acknowledge that right now, I’m happier and more satisfied with my life than I have been at any other point.
I’ve learned that it’s okay to be bad at things. That if I’m interested in something, or completely green with envy of the people who can do that thing, I should be doing that thing as well. And that I need to pursue it relentlessly, push through all of the looking stupid to get to the good stuff. Because it’s there, eventually. After a lot of tears and uncomfortable situations. And that it’s okay – no – necessary to cut out of your life what isn’t working anymore, because it makes room for better things. New, more edifying ways to pass the time. New friends who make me feel like the most worthwhile person, who are the most worthwhile people with so much to teach me.
I’m just happy. I see so much beauty every single day. I’m creating, and there is sunshine, and I like my life.